So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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