i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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