imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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