some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
