Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
