Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
