Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I love you. Go after that dick
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