If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
