You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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