he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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