woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
