Yo dont text me then not text me
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
