Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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