Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
