onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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