Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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