im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
they need to just BURY HIM!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
