You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm bleeding and have questions
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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