I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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