i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Randomize
