Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
