I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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