Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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