Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
