I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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