Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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