you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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