the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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