So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
