Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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