Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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