the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
