I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
