We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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