He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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