Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
