So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
