I think scott just propositioned me for sex
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
