Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
