What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
