I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
