and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Small penises have feelings too.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
