Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
