youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
