Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
