I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
