Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
