If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
