Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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