Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
